miss you more

In the morning when the light streams in 

I close my eyes & wish to be asleep just a little longer 

because if in my dreams is where we touch, in my dreams is where I want to be 

& we've made some storms 

but the best sunsets are born from the loudest rain 

& days like these make me miss you most

when I'm sitting all alone in a crowded place, sitting in a shirt from your closet that hangs off my shoulders 

but then I remember the day you held me in your lap, kissed my cheek & told me I'm your girl. that you're not going anywhere...

& can't help but smile so big 

because how could I ever be alone 

when you're my guy 

and I'm your girl

when I'm older

our days seem to be filled with infinite choices, don't they? you can pick the road that's gonna get you to where you need to be, or the route less traveled, or the kind where you stop often and lose yourself in your own thoughts as a stranger in a new place. and it seems funny to me that following your heart with honesty to yourself takes so much more bravery than following your own thoughts. It's a fearless act, to be completely and utterly unapologetic in pursuing yourself. I am finding that the right choice is rarely the easy one, and the best choice won't always make sense to everyone. but I am also finding that this life is mine. I only have one on this miraculous destination called earth.  & I want to see it. the city lights and the crumbling mountains. I'll get there eventually, maybe this tuesday. so you can understand why I have no time left to spend trying to be just like my fellow travelers.
if ever you need me, you can find me among the wild flowers, grabbing frantically at every glimmer of adventure I stumble upon. with stories caught in the knots in my hair and stars stuck beneath my fingernails, I'll be chasing the sun from here on out. this is my journey. the turns I make and the falls I take are my own. and I'm going to love them like every single moment is a triumph, because they are. and someday when I'm older & wiser, people may look at me and chuckle at my hasty choices & my naive heart beneath their breath; they might feel so inclined to tell me that my life was a reckless one.
And I'll smile back and sigh,
"Maybe so. But I lived."

ready, set...

you cannot wander in & out of my life when you find it convenient to do so. if you love me, then you've gotta get ready to knock your guard down & show it. & make sure you are ready, because when I am happy, I am the happiest girl in the world, with stars dripping from my fingertips & leaking from my lips; not a thing can stop me. but when I am sad, my heart cracks & splits & tears at the edges with no end in sight. I am passion. I jump without looking & fall without ever trying to catch myself on the way down. love, I hear songs in color & this one sounds so yellow. I am not the kind of girl to soldier on. my heart is a sponge, and I will fill myself with every feeling I pass. open your door & let me in, but I can't promise I'll wipe my feet. I will leave my mark where you can't overlook it, and I will make your heart swell & burst & ache like a river after a storm. take my hand, and I will build you a boat & we will sail somewhere, just us two. you see, once I am in your life, I am in it for good. If I love you once, I will love you always. I will love you even when you have hurt me & when I think I must be broken, I'll be standing here still. some girls are firecrackers, always on the run, sparking flames everywhere they go. some are like the tide, coming back to kiss the shore like clockwork. & then there is me, finding my way. I'm the girl you lock eyes with in a crowd, slow dancing without ever touching. I am the girl who will stick around until the end, & you'll know it when you see me. I'll be the one with the long brown hair, standing alone in the world, looking so sure of myself, I must look foolish. I promise to be the last thing you ever saw coming. so when you find me, please don't play with my heart. trust me when I say that I'll believe every promise from your lips, because you will never meet another with more hope in her eyes. my lips are sweet, but not everyone has a craving. my heart is full, but not everyone likes to travel heavy. my kind of love can crack your heart open, but not everyone wants to be sewn back together. & love, I want the kind of romance that I dream about every night. the kind that could make a man forget to breathe & a woman forget how to dance. the kind that turns phone calls into ignored alarms when we're together & simple conversation into a manifestation of inspiring color & splendor. the kind that makes falling asleep so hard, because no dream could ever be better than the life I'm living. the kind that kisses you where it hurts & knows your story. the kind that fools around, slow dances in the kitchen in our bare feet, and makes stories that nobody else understands but him & I. the kind that would make a man look at me the way I look at the falling sun. the kind that drives all through the night, holding hands the whole way, just for the adventure of it all. the kind that shelters me from the world...If there is a love out there, maybe one for me, that loves so true, it will make me weak in the knees, I hope the universe knows I'll wait. so if ever you decide I am too much for your soul to carry, I promise to understand, just put me down softly. I'll find my way again. 

I always do. 

lie to me

"I could never hurt you" 

"I'm not going anywhere" 

"I'll keep you safe" 

"You're my whole world" 

"My best friend"

"You & me"

"You can trust me" 

I promise

I am living

In all of your growing up, don't forget that life's not about looking cool. 

Dance around your room in your underwear from time to time & when you're walking out the door, be wearing something that makes you happy. Remember who you are.

If you want a love, find one that doesn't make you stay up wondering at 3am when you should be dreaming. 

and remember, your story is about so much more than a boy, and if ever one writes himself in that makes you cry more than he makes you laugh, promise me you'll rip out his page. 

& listen to me when I tell you, you are so pretty. the freckles that dot your nose are perfect & your messy hair never looked better. but you are also beautiful, like a flower growing through the cracks in the pavement, people are gonna stop & stare, trust me. because you're spilling sunshine with every step you take & you're so real. the books you read & the songs you know every word to. the color of your lips & the scar on your knee from when you were 9, nobody's you, love. & that's gotta be your greatest strength. there's only 1. 

& listen, life is gonna happen, take it slow. you're gonna get where you need to be, trust me. but in the meantime, enjoy the skin you're in today. you've only got this version of you for the next 24 hours. 

so c'mon, your life is happening right now. get to living it. 

retrospective reflection

I must've looked so silly, staring at him the way I did. I wonder if he knew, how much he shook my world just by being in it. 

I wonder if I sent him all these letters filled with my undying devotion, if he'd sit down and read them, and laugh under his breath thinking about all the time I spent writing them. & I must look so silly now, talking about how much I love my blue eyed boy. Trying not to call him, the boy who broke my heart. I must seem so delusional, talking about him as if he still wanted to be my best friend. As if the only man I've ever loved as much as I do, hadn't erased my plans & shattered my dreams just this afternoon. And I'm feeling sorry for myself, but that's just foolish, because when he told me that I deserved a great man, I believed him. I believed him the whole time he let me go, a man, who didn't think I was good enough to keep. 

How silly it must look, to love as hard as I love him. 

everything will be alright

I've been laying here on the floor, trying to forget about the adventures we planned. The days I imagined we'd spend on the road. But I can only forget so much, when his pictures hang on my walls, and his shirt is folded in my drawer. 

And the necklace he put around my neck, I took it off for the first time today. My fingers haven't stopped searching for the charm just above my heart. Suddenly I feel so naked & confused. And I dreamt last night that he left me, but the cameras from my nightmare never stopped rolling when the sun came up this morning. & I wonder how it felt to tell me he loved, moments before he knew he was going to shatter me into a million pieces, like some thin piece of glass, left unswept under an untouched bookshelf.  

And the world seems so strange to me today. As if it stopped spinning & I'm stuck in place... I wonder if he is too. 

But hey, I've got to thank him, because I learned today that lovers can turn into strangers, in just 1 call. He painted me a beautiful picture, but when the smoke & mirrors fell away, all that stood was an empty canvas. He showed me, "I love you" isn't a promise, and that promises can be broken as easily as they're made. And boys with pretty eyes & even prettier words, they can push you to the top of the world, and drag you to the bottom just to leave you lost & alone again. 

So next time I'll know, that if you're willing to give your whole heart away, you must also be willing to let the whole thing break. 

And I know what I already know, that everything will be alright, 

I just thought that it was going to be alright, 

with him. 

The one that got away

And someday you'll look back and wish you would've stayed when she begged you to. You'll count all the times you made her cry & you'll slide to your knees & cry with her memory. You'll realize that all she ever wanted was for you to be there; to be there for her. That she loved you more than she'd ever loved herself. You'll remember the night she called you because you didn't answer the night before, to tell you how she felt through gentle tears. & you'll remember how it must've felt for her to spill it all out on the table, just for you to fall asleep, dreaming in the middle of her heart breaking.

You'll remember it all. 

The way she kissed your lips & the way she smiled when you kissed hers. The way she laughed harder than anyone else ever did at all of your stupid jokes. The smile on her face every time you walked through the door. She let you cry on her shoulder every time you needed to & she always came back to you, no matter how many times her heart tried to pull her away.

She loved you. & not the way a person loves summer rain or popsicles on the Fourth of July. No. She felt in much brighter colors than that. She saw every struggle you ever had & bump you hit on the road, but she'd still be there to sit with you on the sidewalk until your sadness melted away. & she knew you weren't one for standing on mountain tops declaring your love for her... but she'd hold your hand forever if you let her. She loved your curly hair & your crooked teeth. She saw perfection where you saw mistakes. And your eyes, gosh your eyes. She must've had their colors memorized. She could never get enough of your voice, you know. & if ever you called, she'd drop her life to run to the phone. It's like every word that slipped through your lips was some kind of revelation to her. You could leave her to cry herself to sleep & she would wake the next morning & still defend you against the world until the end. 

You had her wrapped around your distracted little fingers. 

And when she fell away, you must've looked the other way, because only a fool like you would let a girl like her be the one that got away. 

one last thing

tell me, what am I supposed to do

when my heart stops beating to the tune of your voice 

and when you say goodbye, tell me, 

how do I tell my memory to stop reminding me of all the times you kissed me &  told me you loved me 

all the times you said forever 

when you held me to your chest & brushed the hair out of my eyes, telling me never to cut it. whispering that you were gonna marry me, that I changed your life the day I walked into it. 

What am I supposed to tell my heart, when all it does is scream "I told you so" and what am I supposed to do with my hands when they go numb because I accidentally think of your eyes & how they no longer look for mine.   

Tell me. 

What's a girl to do 

When she loves a boy 

Who changed his mind 

I hope no.2

& I finally realized that no matter how much I rebuild myself after I'm knocked down, I'll never be enough to make you happy. 

And that's ok. I just want to be enough for me again. 

But I don't wish for you to be sad & i'd never hope for you to be alone. 

I hope you meet a girl who loves you as much as I have. 

I hope she treats you nice & never makes you sacrifice. 

I hope you brush her hair, too, and tell her she's the most beautiful girl you've ever seen. I hope you mean it. 

& I hope, that one night at 2 a.m., when you're holding her hands & promising her every single someday you ever promised me, you'll look into her sparking eyes & see a glint of mine, simple & brown. 

I hope a lump will grow in your throat as every "I love you" you gave to me becomes hers. I hope you'll remember the first time I nervously said those three words to you, and how happy we were that night in July. You & me. I hope you tell her everyday. 

I hope you'll never give her a reason to be jealous of anyone else, and i hope she never wonders if she comes first. I hope for every night I've cried myself to sleep, clinging to your old tshirt, she'll have you to hold onto instead. And I hope when it rains from time to time, you might miss me... that I won't become an ordinary memory, gathering dust in the bottom of the closet.

And I hope that the girl you love will have one reason for every star in the night sky to believe each promise that lingers on your perfect lips. 

And blue eyes, I hope you'll take her anywhere she wants to go. 

Because for so long, you were my entire world.

And lastly, I hope that someday, someone will look at me the way you'll look at her. 

The way I hoped you would've looked at me.

I hope.