the grey dress

there's a picture of me,
taped to his wall.
I remember when he took it.
I was wearing the grey dress, and the necklace he gave me. I was laughing at him, with the camera in his hand, laughing at me. he said that later, we'd look at it & smile. we'd remember our lives as they are now. how young & in love we are. he said we'd show our kids, that picture of me in the grey dress. with my childhood home in the background & the cat at my feet.
but I know him. I know his blue eyes & crooked smile like the back of my hand. I know he loves me, and I know the way he hates to promise what he can't.

& that picture on his wall, it's not a promise, but it's ok.
maybe he looks at it & remembers our life the day he took it. how young & in love we are. maybe he hears our laughter & gets butterflies thinking about the kiss & stolen glances that followed.

I fell in love with a boy afraid of unfulfilled promises. and he, he fell in love with a girl who has believed every one she's ever heard.
he says let what is be.
& I'm promising promises to him, everyday.
Promises he's never been promised before. and I don't know if that's being naive or bold or just completely & utterly stupid. time & love are fickle things.
but when it comes to him...
forever doesn't seem so long.

forever. what an incredibly delicate thing to promise.

little things

there's something to be said about
washing the evening away,
letting your thoughts run off your shoulders & sink down the drain
something about all those drops of water falling with the minutes of your day
& the foggy mirror,
you can always count on it.
the fog, that puts you in the clouds for just a little while.
that, and wearing a shirt that isn't your own.
there's something to be said about showers & borrowed tshirts, & how they make life a little easier.

thursday

since this morning I have learned three things:
1. life is going to happen the way it is going to happen, with or without your permission. & it's better to be happy than sad, so smile anyway. be patient in the meantime. I promise, everything will work out just right when the time comes.
2. you can have a changed heart everyday. you do not have to be the same you as you were yesterday. if it makes you happy, let it bloom. if it's holding you down, it's time to let go. and in the end, you'll be changed. new & wearing different skin than you were on the days behind you. but you'll also be happy, because today, you are more you than you have ever been before. And that is happy.                   so, so happy.

3. scrambled eggs aren't so bad after all. 

   [thats not even a metaphor. or I guess maybe it is, for second chances i suppose. ]

march showers

It was raining today
and I remembered something
I couldn't picture
maybe it was the song playing softly in the background
maybe it was the way this room looked lit by candles
maybe it was the way the grass smelled
something like it did
a long while ago
when I was just a kid
sitting in the window watching the rain fall
just like I still am
& maybe there's some magic in the rain
something that keeps me from forgetting the little girl who used to sit by her window
watching the rain fall

something that helps me remember
who it was that she dreamed of becoming

L is for Love

love is funny... and nothing like you'd think. it comes usually when you least expect it. and when it finally hits, that, "I love him" moment, it's not a truck ramming into your heart or a load of stones falling right on top you. no, it's so much softer, and quieter than that. it's knowing that if you call, no matter the time, he'll answer. It's laughing together when nobody else understands the joke. Its the way he looks at you when he's tired, & the way he brushes your hair out of your eyes. Its all the silent ways he tells you how much he needs you. It's looking at him smile and live life from across the room & thinking that there's no way anything in the world could ever change your mind about him. nobody could take his place.
because you love him.
gosh, you love him.

I'm here

You say you're afraid you'll just waste my time
that you'd feel the guilt like bricks on your chest if you change your mind

but it's funny,
those doubts in your thoughts that spin together until they form into the words that fall from your lips,
they don't scare me
& I don't know why

I don't know why I can't picture a picture of me without you in it too
I don't know why I can't bring
myself to want
to find anybody
but you

so take those bricks & throw them off your perfect beating heart until they've all split  down the middle

I'm not going anywhere
so believe me when I say I'm here to stay. I'll kiss you where it hurts & whisper truths until they're tattooed in your memory
I'm here, today, tomorrow & always
I'm here
& I'm here
to stay

parachute

& I would always rather make myself look naive for loving too hard, than holding myself back when I feel, in fear of not being loved hard back. because then, if it all comes crashing to the ground at the end of the day, at least I can say I tried.
I can say that I'm the type of love who gives everything if it means everything.
and if he decides to let go, maybe someday he'd look back and wonder what could've been if he had tried too. what could've come of the girl who loved too much.
but I suppose there's a danger in that. In jumping from my tallest cliff. Jumping for someone who doesn't want to catch me when I fall.

but every bone I've broken has healed,
 so go ahead & call me some kind of fool,
because here I go again,
always jumping before looking.

tomorrow

this world is crazy
& it all might just melt away
so tomorrow when you wake
just know
that it's the day somebody turns 90
and the day someone falls in love
tomorrow is the day somebody gets their dream job & someday else
moves out on their own
somebody will taste their very first kiss
 or learn to ride a bike or learn to drive
it's the day somebody will finally do their laundry without dying the whole load pink
& another will wear their favorite dress just because
it's the day somebody has a good laugh
and somebody else will say "I do."

this world is crazy, sure
but it's so much better than it is bad
so tomorrow when you wake
just remember
any day
could be your day
& you might as well let it be everyday
before everything, good and bad
just melts away

another love story

and one day, for no reason at all, she decided she wanted to smile again.
so she took all that love she had always given away, & gave it right back to herself.
because she was kind, & beautiful & funny & so beyond worth the love she'd always wanted. but she was done waiting. so she stopped tapping her toes by the phone & danced instead.
& somewhere between the laughing & finally putting herself first, she realized that the only person in the world who owned her happiness was herself.
& that's when something magical happened.

she lived.

august's magic

I think there's some kind of magic
 in summer nights
maybe it's the heavy heat of the afternoon
that makes the sight of stars so sweet
or maybe it's the freeing feeling you have
when there's no where to be, but exactly where you are, when you're there
maybe it's the way the moon reflects off the water
or maybe it's the act of jumping in
& shattering the sky on the surface

maybe it's a secret august will never tell

whatever it is, the magic,
I'll find it & bring some back to you
and after we've spent the last drop
I'll write you a book all about us, & the things we've done
I'll fill it with pictures
the candid kind,
that show the way you look
laughing with life
under a thousand summer stars

static

I used to fall asleep in silence
It never bothered me
until the summer
I met him
 by September,
I had found myself falling asleep
listening to his voice over the phone
more than I fell asleep alone
almost ten months have gone by now
and now that static is home

 it's a funny thing
the nights without him
& his warm static
the silence
suddenly seems
so very loud

chapter .1

He's reading it
the book I haven't written yet
he takes it off the shelf I'm building
and wipes it clean
he turns the pages
everyday,
he's reading my heart
& folding my corners
he's cracking my binding
and writing notes in the margins
he's making himself comfortable
In the story I'm living

he's here to stay
he tells me everyday
he's my somebody

11:42

I can't remember
what occupied my
thoughts before I met him.

The day I met him,
that I remember perfectly.
every detail.

but what kept me up at night,
before it was him,
before we fell,
before june,

I just can't remember.

call me

I just want you to know
It's not you
and it's not me
It's nothing you've said
and it's not for the reasons I say
it's not the miles between
It's just the silence that follows
every goodbye
It's the loneliness
right under your nose
that stings the most
but I just want you to know
when you're all alone
I always want to be the one you call
& when the rain pours
I just want you to know
you'll always be the first I call

I just want you to know
It will always
be you

life advice

when the moon falls, let it
when feelings bloom, pick them
and when dreams fly, catch them

to the stars

I say your eyes are blue like the sea, but love, they're so much deeper.

I say your heart must be made of gold, but baby you're so much rarer. 

I say you're the man of my dreams, because A, I could never dream better. 

I say I love you to the stars & back every night, but darling, it's only half true.

I love you so much farther. 

between the lines

I wonder if I wrote you a book
If you'd read every word
If you'd stay until the end
and run your fingers
over every last line
if you'd hear my voice
and the way I pause
to take a breath
between secrets
only you'd keep

I wonder if I asked you
To run away with me
If you'd plant your feet
Or run wild & scared
with your hand
tied to mine

I wonder if you could go back
what you'd choose to say
to the girl you know now
on our first day

nothing new

sometimes I wake up
and I think how nice it might be
to pack myself a bag
and skip town

but everyday can't be that day
so I slip on my yellow dress instead,
listen to a sunny song,
and breathe like I'm tasting this
familiar air for the first time

sometimes that's all it takes
sometimes that's just as nice
but one day, is going to be the someday
that I'm gonna wake up
& skip town

a four letter life summary

I never went inside that night
It was cold, and we just sat in the car
Seeing who could play the better song
I watched the familiar figures in a foggy
window right in front of me
from my passenger seat

That's always been my life.
I'll go for the ride, and end up staying in my seat, listening the night away.
Thinking.
I'm so good at it, too.
Whatever it is.
Knowing who I am, I suppose.

I never go inside.

to anyone who'll listen

I love him.
Gosh, I love him so much, that when I try to think of some way of explaining how my heart burns for him, I feel like I'll burst in a million different directions. And I know you're probably tired of hearing about it, but it's all I ever think about these days.
I have so much love to give him, that it's almost frustrating - you know? Is that crazy? I swear I'm constantly laughing and shaking my head at myself since I met him.
Words good enough for the way he makes me feel, they just haven't been made yet.
And I could pretend all day that I'm independent, but just between you & me, he completes a part of me that I had no idea was left incomplete. It's like the day I met him, was the first day of the rest of my life. & wherever I end up, I hope he's there too. I could come to him utterly crushed by the world, and he'll pick me up & put me right on top of it. A day gone without hearing his voice Is a day left unfinished.
He tells me he loves me, and I really believe him. Do you even know how wonderful that is? And he loves God. I love that. I love that when I think of him, I get butterflies like it's the first day of summer. And you should hear his voice in the morning. It's the sweetest thing I've ever known. Gosh, I sound like I've got a middle school crush, don't I? It's funny though, after all this time, when he walks into the room, he still stops me in my tracks.
He smiles at me, and I forget how to speak. I ask him if he'll marry me, If we're still here in a few short years. I ask him all the time, like he can promise it to me.
Maybe he thinks I'm half joking, because I smile so big every time I say it. But I can't help myself, because I want him more than anything in the world. I'll keep asking him forever, and he'll keep kissing my forehead & talking about our future like we have an idea. But you know, I really think we will. I really, really do. Just watch, you'll see.
 & Our bridge, we'll keep building it, promising never to burn it. And when I find my genie, every wish I spend will be spent on my baby. I'm only half of myself when he's gone. I get it now.
I understand how home, when you've met the right one, becomes a person, not a place. He's everything. He's home.
So I love him. And I'm young & naive, but I don't care what anyone thinks.
I might never find the right words, but as long as he's there holding my hand, I promise to never stop looking.
There's just something about Austin.
Something that feels like home.

c o n f u s i o n

I think 

at times

  I am confusing

 to love

When I say I'm yours, I mean I am yours forever. I hold on so tight. The kind of tight that turns your knuckles a pale white, and makes your hands shake, because unless you do me wrong, when I come along, I'm here to stay. I will pour every drop of passion I have in my soul into the palm of your hand if you'll let me. But when you say you love me, I'll silently hope that you'll just read my mind & know that I need to hear you say it, everyday. I guess I'm too stubborn to tell you. & I guess a part of me is just so used to being alone, that since I fell for you, I still feel like it's a dream. Like I've got you, but I don't always have you. I hope you mean it, because once I'm gone, I'm not coming back. And thats crazy to say, because the thought of you leaving makes me sick, but I know after some time, I'd be ok. And that's a beautifully dangerous thing. To be ok alone. I think that scares people. Or maybe it just confuses them, that at my age, I don't mind going at it by myself. I'm all or nothing in every aspect of my life. I feel everything. The things you say, they go straight through my heart & they leave markings. Good & bad. I fall hard, cry hard, laugh hard, and love hard. I want unconditional, crazy, once in a lifetime love. You-above-everything love. And I promise to always give it right back to you. I will love you until my bones ache. I will love you until the end of forever, however long that may be. I will love you. I will love you longer & brighter & better than you ever thought you could be loved.  I will love you.
I will love you, but I will never compete. Maybe that's my charm. I'm a loyal lover not afraid to be a runner. A walking contradiction. I'll be your firecracker, so long as you'll be my match.
That must be confusing.
 From time to time.
 So very confusing,
to love me, the way you do.

j u s t i n

 when the day comes
that we should meet again
I promise not to ask
about the things that hurt you
I won't ask you why you
couldn't just slip off your shoes
and stay a little longer
I won't ask you
what changed
or why you left
without a goodbye
I will let the passing minutes
since that day
wash my questions away
until all that is left in my heart to do
Is to just hold you tight
and laugh about the good times
before the tears

and I promise
that will be a good day.
one of the best.

the day we meet again.

face the music

& one day
you'll just have to get up anyway
so you might as well open your blinds,
and let the sun poor in
your life is not going to turn out anything like you planned,
but I promise, it will be the most beautiful, chaotic, simple, frustratingly awe inspiring,  paradox of an adventure that you will ever witness
get up anyway
because countless today's is all you have
so make today the day
you face the music &
let go of your inhibitions
life is going to happen
the way it is supposed to happen
just don't
       let it
             slip
                  away

to ____ .

I'll brush her hair
and tuck wildflowers into her braids
I'll kiss her cheeks
and hold her hand

I'll study her eyes,
and tell her about all of the good in
our big world
I'll teach her to be kind,
sweet like honey
and bold & bright
like the bees
and when it comes to love,
I'll look at you & smile

money doesn't grow on leaves,
but if you're lucky enough to fall
for the right one
you'll find that love grows
strong & free
just like the
trees

s o l i d a r i t y

and darling,
even the sky
stays up all night
from time to time
to cry a good cry
so don't feel so little
the next time you find yourself
licking salt from your lips
when the rest of the world is fast asleep
because somewhere out there,
down the road a ways
there's a sky blue
angry and hurt
just like you