in between

I think the most beautiful parts of living 

are found in between pieces of life 

when your heart is whole 

and nothing grand is around the corner about to jump out at you 

when you're not counting down the days until something begins, 

or days since it happened. 

I think it's beautiful

to order chinese food from down the street on tuesday nights 

& to fall asleep on the couch we've had since the beginning of time, watching my favorite show with my family.

catching fireflies on summer nights & wearing my favorite green sweater that smells like leaves in october.

making biscuits with my mama on sunday morning & keeping my dad awake on road trips in the dead of december. 

it's the moments god gives me in between living & dreaming that make up the memories I smile about, sitting on the porch, staring up at all his stars. 

the campfire conversations & the smell of bookstores in november & running across the never ending ocean at sunset & spring picnics by the lake with my sisters & reading the bible underneath lights strung on my walls & celebrating my brother's birthday...

It's all in the in between. 

make a wish

     tonight I lit a candle, 

just to make a wish 

because I've already picked all the petals off the flowers growing wild, and the dandelion seeds are all scattered in someone else's yard. 11:11 is too far, and I've been watching, but no stars are falling. 

     tonight I lit a candle, just to make a wish

I watched the flame, with all the hope it holds, and whispered my dreams 

     tonight I lit a candle, and wished to see you soon. 

but now I've gone & told you, so it can't possibly come true. 

     tonight I hope you'll light a candle, promising never to tell a soul, 

watching the light sway back & forth, 

before you close your eyes 

I hope you'll wish 
to see me too. 

so you say

But the life you're living is a busy one 

too busy to hear me, 

at least anything past (hello) & goodbye 

& love, (It's) been a lifetime since I've known your face

when will you see I've been here waiting 

when will you see (me)

& you say it'll get better 

that you really love me

and that I deserve so much more 

but It's the end of the day 

& here I sit 

all alone 

(again)

& I am giving up 

ending

like an old picture, browning at the edges, 

It's all turning yellow 

as the sky does

just before 

a tornado 

Dear California, 

your roads confuse me. why is everyone going so fast & where is it they're all going to? & your sky is the same one I was born under, only I could swear it is a thousand times bigger here. and the sun. gosh the sun, it changes you here. it stains my skin & splatters my shoulders with freckles I've never known before. it makes my hair blonder, and my toes warmer.

& your sand is nice, sure, but it really only makes me miss the gulf I grew up with. 

your water is fierce & cold, and driven. as if it is older than all the other water in the world. as if it has seen so much that it has chosen to give up on letting time pass slowly, and now moves its own time, waiting for no one. it is the most independent water I've ever met. 

now don't get me wrong, you are beautiful. 

I love the colors you paint yourself with & the flowers that grow wild & free everywhere you turn. I love the desert & the salty air & the distance that separates them. I love the night sky & the never ending black ocean & the hypnotizing headlights. I love the cool air. I love the barber shop with the open door on state street, and the coffee shop just off the pier with tables occupied by thinkers & dreamers & people falling in love. 

& California, you make me feel so small. but just between you & me, I kind of like it. It isn't home, but it makes me appreciate home. I'm anonymous here. nobody knows my face & no one is going to remember my name. you're almost a dream to me, a different odd fantasy every time I return. 

& nothing ever looks just the same as I left it. maybe that's the beauty of you & I.

maybe I don't understand you & maybe you'll never understand me. I'll never remember which roads to take & you'll never wait for me to change. we'll just keep living one day at a time, until someday, we'll meet again. same place, same time. & we'll talk about life & people

on the street & time will pass, leaving us behind. 

& we'll try to understand. 

but until then, I'll be here & you'll be there, 

remembering everything a few shades different than they ever really were. 

Until then.

all my love, 

M 

moonshine

the moon was so bright tonight. 

It's light leaked through the blinds & flooded the floors, 

Carrying me gently to my dreams, passing each little spark of a star along the way.

And I wonder if I was a sailor, if tonight I would've been entranced by the moon's glowing light. 

If I would've jumped from the wooden deck of my ship, to the shimmering glass below. 

I wonder if I would've fallen under the spell, of something so ordinary & yet so spectacularly magical, as the glowing white moon, floating in the sky. 

"see you soon."

 I cried & cried & cried 

I cried until my memory was flooded with the lingering taste of his lips & the sound of his honest laughter  

I cried the whole way home 

& when I closed my door & fell on my bed I let the tears roll again, only this time, I held his shirt to my chest. 

It smells like him, and somehow that makes my heart swell & ache & soar all at the same time. 

I took out a picture of the two of us. 

ran my finger over his smile & reopened the piece of my mind that has memorized the softness of his cheeks, careful to savor the fresh feeling, not to let it all escape. 

It stings to know he was just here, holding my hand everywhere we went, kissing my cheeks & whispering I love you. 

& that right now, at this moment, he's somewhere in the sky so far from me. 

But then I looked at his eyes. His striking blue eyes. & I took a deep breath. 

& I was ok. 

It hurts, gosh it hurts so much my chest feels as if it might collapse just to crush what is left of my heart today. 

But I can hear his voice in my head telling me it'll all be ok. I feel his arms so tight around my waist, & his steady breath on my shoulder. His fingers through my hair & his heart beating in time with mine. 

Today I am a little broken, and he's taken a piece of me with him. 

I'm chipped, 

and scattered. 

I am tired 

& I am grateful. 

But mostly, I am ok. 

Golden Hour

There's a fan blowing in the kitchen window that sounds like white noise, catching wisps of my unwashed hair & carrying them across my lips. our cheeks are all burned pink & freckled like constellations in the clear night sky.

its 8 o'clock now, and the sun is still high in the sky, as if willing me to keep pushing the moon away. To keep living today. 

There are so many books left to read, naps to take & strawberries to taste. Paintings to paint & poems to write, bookstores to smell & fireflies to catch.

But the sun is setting now, 

and for the first time in a while, 

I don't want to watch today, 

this perfectly imperfect, simple day, 

end. 

Somehow I've lost my grip on the moon & despite my silent protests, it's falling, and with it, my eyes. 

how very summer it is, to enjoy every last golden drop of the day, until the sight of the moon is both sweet & bitter, all at the same time. 

someday

I don't know where we'll live, and I don't know that our bank accounts will be full. 

I don't know what our zip code will be & i don't know if we'll be in the mountains or by the sea. 

But when I close my eyes, I see the leaves changing outside our window, and a record spinning in the corner. I see the blankets on our bed & our bare feet on the wood floors. I see the walks we'll take & the canceled plans we'll trade for movies in. I see my toothbrush next to yours & the tree we'll plant in the backyard. I see the candles we'll burn when the power goes out & the good morning kisses I'll leave on your cheek. 

I see you, next to me. 

Us. 

& that's all I need